thinking…

I have been thinking ( I will admit that I think too much) about this house we live in.   It has been my biggest cause of depression, a bad mood and any other thing that has been bothering me.  I even blame Ryan and Doug’s allergies on this house.  Truthfully I think they are allergic to something in this house.  Why does it bother me so much?  Why can’t I just be happy here?  I need perspective because this is mine as of now.  For 4 years we have lived in 730sqft.  There is styrofoam behind our front door for insulation, the electrical is messed up and for the past month we have been cooking dinners in almost darkness and by candlelight, we have no garbage disposal or dishwasher, the house is on a septic tank (that the landlords have yet to pump in 4 years)  there is a big tear in the orange carpet in the front room, the gray linoleum is lifting in the bathroom, only two doors in the house work and the house is so old that it has no insulation at all!  That means when it’s warm out the house is hot and when it’s cold the house is chilly.   This Christmas Eve I cried.  This is not how I pictured life would be.  Of course I am thankful for my husband that loves me, kids that are beautiful and healthy and my health.   I don’t want to be over dramatic but living in 730sqft is hard!  I get so annoyed when people who live in normal size houses ( I will classify that as anything over 1300-1400sqft or bigger with 2-3 kids) tell me that it is okay to live here and it’s cute.   It’s only cute when it’s not your home!  I want my boy and girl to have their own rooms.  I would love more than 1 bathroom for 4 people (all potty trained).  I would love to have a little bit of space.  I know that in other countries this house would be considered big, the problem is that I live in America and to me it feels like the walls are caving in on me.   So here is the dilemma…is God doing something great, beyond what I can imagine so He is keeping us here?   Does He have this special plan that I in my human mind can not see?  No one is jumping in helping us with a down payment and no, even though house prices are in the $300,000 or maybe even high $200,000′s that’s still too high for us.   Is God keeping us from being able to buy a house because He wants us to move to Austin Texas?  I think Doug is going with this theory.   I wish we could put the pieces together.  I wish that I didn’t mind living in a house this small.  I wish that I was content with it.   I feel like I wish I could just let it go, but I just want to figure out after 4 years why we still have to be here?   I struggle with the it’s not fair syndrome!  I really want to be all godly and say that I am content, but I am reminded that even Paul in Philippians says he has learned to be content.  So if Paul had to struggle through it I guess I can’t imagine that I would all of a sudden be content.   Last Sunday pastor Jeff talked about how easy it is to miss God’s plans because we are too distracted or not listening.  I don’t want that!   I don’t want to miss out on what He wants to accomplish in my life because I am not focused.  I know that the Israelites wondered in the desert for 40 years because they grumbled and complained and I don’t want that either!  I need perspective.  Anyone have that for me?

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